Edward vs Cliches
by Mattitude 4 Life
Summary: From EdwardEnvy fluff to mysteriously missing characters, Ed encounters four wellknown staples of fanfiction.


Originally every section of this was going to be significantly longer except the last one, but I decided to leave them off at what I already had to keep it short.I have plans to make entire stories based around Regression and Brokeback sometime though, as I think there's serious potential in both.

** b Edward vs. Cliches**

**Edward vs. Brokeback /b **

It was dark in the small town of Rizenboll. The moon hung high in the sky and cast a gleam of light onto the dew-stained grass, creating an effect like an ocean of green. Envy stood in the midst of this display, staring up at the moon and pondering. What was this feeling deep inside the homunculus, tearing away at whatever emotions the soulless being had, if any. There were definitely some, otherwise what was this feeling? All for a... blonde-haired midget? No, couldn't be. Just couldn't.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

This caused the homunculus to turn around, spotting said midget just before him, staring with eyes that warned of both anger and confusion.

"Err..." Envy started, but stopped and rethought what he was saying.

"Seriously, do you have any reason to be here? I thought your whole M.O. was to hide out and try to kill me and stuff."

"Elric... let's have sloppy inbred gay butt-sex!"

Edward has a facefault, a sweatdrop, and, just for the hell of it, he throws up.

"D... do what?"

"Me, you, let's get it on!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ed screams at the top of his lungs while running into the house of Winry and Pinako, slamming the door so hard it very nearly breaks off its hinges. He promptly assumes a fetal position, complete with thumb-sucking.

All Pinako can wonder is, _What's wrong with him?_

** b Edward vs. Any Other Time, You'd Be Screwed Stories** ** /b **

Chimeras as far as the eye could see. 50, maybe 60, of them, all staring their little mutant eyes out toward our two heroes, Edward and Alphonse Elric (the latter of which is now human). It is quite clear that they are, for all intents and purposes, as fucked as a stripper at a Viagra convention.

"So you see," Shou Tucker, the former man who is now a bizarre human-bear thing Chimera, tells them in his raspy, almost nonexistent voice while standing before his massive army of mutants.

"Why are you doing this?" Al asks.

"Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? I dunno, I just felt like it... now my army, attack!"

Almost as if at the will of some sort of cosmic author that is being an unoriginal jackass, Ed and Al suddenly leap into the air in slow-motion in a Matrix-like fashion, spinning in mid-air before both landing on their feet and proceeding to kick massive amounts of chimera ass, sending mutant animal bodies flying left and right, much to not only Tucker's confusion but their own as well.

"What-" kick to a chimera, "-are we doing, Al?"

"I-" karate chop, "don't know, brother, but who's complaining?" And soon all of this borderline copyright infringement ends with every single one of the chimeras lying on the ground with not a drop of sweat among them. Both Elric brothers naturally hurry and haul ass away from the scene before any awaken.

** b Edward vs. Regression** ** /b **

Edward sits up, and instantly realizes something is wrong. First of all, he notices that the room looks a lot bigger than it should, and that naturally gets him freaked out beyond words. But then he notices that he is not in the guest room in which he normally sleeps when visiting Winry, but is instead in another room... When he realizes what room this happens to be, he begins to get uneasy seeing where this is going, then looks next to him to see just what he had feared: Winry lying next to him, looking like a giant in comparison.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Ugh... I guess you're awake," Winry sighs as she pulls herself out of her slumber.

"What the hell happened?"

"I laid you in here tonight Ed, since you fell asleep while I was-"

"I mean, why the hell am I so small?"

"Don't you remember? You were turned into a toddler, remember? Do you have a fever?"

"What in the name of all that is- hey, get you're hand off my head!"

"Shh. Ugh. Ed, I think you act more immature than a real baby."

"What did you say?"

"What do you mean you're going to feed me?" Ed screams as his younger/ older brother sits in a chair next to him.

"Don't you remember, Ed? You tried to do this two days ago, and then again yesterday, so what choice do I have?"

Ed soon, after much bickering and tantrums, just gives up, deciding that it'd be in his best interest to shut his mouth since as already witnessed with Envy and Tucker, and now Al and Winry, everyone has apparently lost their minds. After breakfast, Winry picks him up, and sticks a pacifier in his mouth, much to Edward's chagrin.

"Keep it in there this time, Edward," Winry tells the now infant Fullmetal Alchemist, who is clad in small black pants, a black shit, and, he isn't quite sure how he'd managed to acquire these but was thankful for them, small automail limbs.

_What the hell are we doing now?_

"If something happens in the mall like what happened last time I took you out of the house..."

_Am I the person left with any sanity? And what the hell's a mall?_

Soon Ed finds himself being pulled around by his automail hand throughout the store that he isn't quite sure about exactly what it is anyway. After going through the embarrassment of being dragged around in full-view of a bunch people he doesn't know, Ed is infinitely relieved to see Winry taking him down a long corridor which begins with an Exit sigh up above it. Then Edward sees exactly what he is being taken into, and instantly uses his whole 20 or so pounds of strength to attempt rather unsuccessfully to pull away.

"Stop it, Ed," Winry mumbles as she drags him inside. "I know you're embarrassed, but come on!" Being inside the women's bathroom feels like being inside a warzone, and not on the side he should be on, to Ed, but the fact that after finishing Winry has the audacity to pick him up, pull his pants down, and look inside his diaper right in plain view of several other women is just plain unpardonable. At least nothing is there, but the fact that she couldn't have just asked is too much.

_And I am friends with this woman why?_ Ed wonders as he is dragged out once more.

Upon reaching a shop, Ed looks shocked and, because of their lost encounter, frightened at the sight of Envy standing inside the same store. The homunculus keeps himself hidden as the two walk in, but Ed still hears him remark sarcastically, "That potion was supposed to make him two, not one!"

Ed would burst out into a mass of screams that would likely result in his death at the hands of Envy considering his size and strength, but naturally the pacifier gets in the way of that. As Ed's sucking on it becomes even more quick and aggressive, Winry busts out the ultimate in humiliation.

"Smells like you need a change..."

** b Edward vs. Mysteriously Missing Characters** ** /b **

"Hey, Al?" Winry asks as she sits down on a chair near the one he's sitting on.

"Yes, Winry?"

"Have you seen Den?"

"No, I haven't. What have you been doing?"

"Oh, not much. Worked on some new automail, but not much else."

"Oh. Say, you ever get the feeling something's missing?"

"No, why?"

"Must just be my imagination."


End file.
